So The Consul is off on his summer holidays to Malta or was it Majorca? Malta sounds too posh for the Consul. Queue John Cooper Clarke … fasten your seatbelts says a voice inside the plane you can’t hear no noise engines made by rolls royce take your choice …make mine majorca check out the parachutes can’t be found alert those passengers they’ll be drowned a friendly mug says “settle down” when i came round i was gagged and bound …for Majorca and the eyes caress the neat hostess her unapproachable flip finesse i found the meaning of the word excess they’ve got little bags if you wanna make a mess i fancied Cuba but it cost me less …to Majorca (Whose blonde sand fondly kisses the cool fathoms of the blue mediteranean) they packed us into the white hotel you could still smell the polycell wet white paint in the air-conditioned cells the waiter smelled of fake Chanel Gaulois… Garlic as well says if i like… i can call him “Miguel” …well really i got drunk with another fella who’d just brought up a previous paella he wanted a fight but said they were yella’ …in Majorca the guitars rang and the castinets clicked the dancer’s stamped and the dancer’s kicked it’s likely if you sang in the street you’d be nicked the double diamond flowed like sick mother’s pride, tortilla and chips pneumatic drills when you try to kip …in Majorca a stomach infection put me in the shade must have been something in the lemonade but by the balls of franco i paid had to pawn my bucket and spade next year I’ll take the international brigade …to Majorca